Apparently this means that all the religious folk all over the world (well actually only the ones that believe in their particular floaty, beardy, sky person) will be stopped in their tracks and tractor beamed up to heaven. Think of it as a Proddy Picker or Left Footer Lifter

So who will be flying through the skies this weekend? Here’s our list:

1: Celtic and Rangers fans
We all know just how religious these folk are. Any given Sunday you can see them in church praising the lord. Actually no, you can’t but take it from me they are very religious. They both praise their peace-loving, benevolent god by sending death threats to sportsmen. Of course when they float up to the sky there will be left behind thousands of pit-bull terriers, half-smoked packs of Regals and case upon case of Buckfast. Best take a carrier bag with you.

2: Priests
Now these guys you do have a chance of seeing in church on a Sunday – cos that’s where the choirboys are! When not protecting their pedophile colleagues, most priests simply peddle lies and guilt to the mentally fragile. Hopefully these guys will float up to the sky and just leave the rest of us alone.

3: Michelle McManus
Now if she floats it will be a fucking miracle!

So the only people left will be the sane, intelligent, non-sectarian, peace loving guys and girls who try to make the most of their lives while they are here. The ones that can be good to each other for the sake of it, rather than for some kind of reward. The ones who push progress, not stand in the way of it. The ones who believe in humanity.

What a wonderful world that would be.

1. St. Andrews University

No tour would be complete without a visit to St. Andrews University with its latin motto  ’Kindergartenum ovder Elitus preppay moneybaggus‘. The teeming spires reek with the smell of fish and American dollars and it is famous for what the locals call ‘Yankee Poontang’ which presumably is Gaelic for something quaint.

It is one of the poshest uni’s in the country but you can sneak into the refectory and enjoy a typical student meal of lobster thermidore and curry sauce or caviar-flavoured Pot Noodle. Whilst you are there try and grab a seat at the table to the left of the doorway. It is rumoured that this is where Kate and Wills shared their first awkward hello’s and Kate stupidly asked how his mum was keeping.

2. St Andrews Golf Course

This famous course was where William’s brother and best man Harry famously got drunk whilst dressed as a Nazi. Fittingly, he was found lying in the bunker shouting ‘Have you forgotten we are all in-bred germans?’ before someone pointed out who his real dad was.

3. The other Famous Anstruther Fish and Chip Shop

Although nowhere near St. Andrews, the owners of this fish and chip shop have wasted no time fabricating a tenuous link between their grease-sodden, heart attack inducing fare and the royal romance.  You have to give them credit..and perhaps a can of Febreze. Apparently the staff there can give you crabs.

4. St. Salvators halls of residence

This is where the Royal Couple first made love and if you bribe the caretaker (or ‘jannie’ in local parlance) you can enter the actual room and see/sniff the royal semen stained sheets. It is said that their night of love followed an evening of fox hunting, bear baiting and was topped off with a Swan kebab. Definitely gets you in the mood ..right girls?!

5. Statue of Pillar 13 at the Pont d’Alma Tunnel

When the residents of St Andrews heard that Prince William was going to study in their town, they wanted him to feel welcome so they reconstructed pillar 13 of the infamous tunnel where Princess Diana died. It is inscribed with 10 foot lettering saying ‘NEVER FORGET!’

This is where Wills took Kate on their first formal date and charmingly called her ‘Mum’ by mistake.

To book your place on the next Tartantrums  tour call (+44) (0)20 7930 4832

The east coast bulletin primarily aimed at Edinburgh will feature stories on house prices, the rising cost of cous-cous and the latest lacrosse results with the west coast bulletin covering topics such as the rising cost of fortified wine, that time that one guy got a job and why rangers are a team of gods amongst men.

Tayside bulletins will remain unchanged with their extensive rape coverage (or Sport as they call it)

We at Tartantrums think this is such a fantastic idea that not only will be sure to ‘follow’ them on Twitter but we have also contacted them with a few of our own ideas to help fight crime here in Scotland…

• BeboBobby An online social network for UK Policemen and women where you can upload and tag crime-scenes, join groups like ‘We hate Mr Big’ or even ‘check-in’ criminals when locking them up.

• iDidit An iPhone application allowing the offender to admit their crime in a virtual space. By taking this first step to redemption the individual can anonymously communicate with the ‘MyPolice’ force with the hope it may result in a few coming forward.

• LinkedUp A clever piece of software taken from the ‘MyPolice’ database linking all known criminals to those they have either been in communication with or were a known accomplice to. This can be viewed in ‘cloud’ form giving a visual representation of the UK crime scene where all individuals are visually linked by ‘chains’ – a nice touch we feel. This way our Police force can find out who the ‘real’ Mr Big actually is for example and so where to concentrate their efforts (don’t forget to ‘hate’ him on BeboBobby).

• FiendsReunited My personal favourite. Once a criminal (or ‘fiend’) has been put into prison for a second or further time – a log is taken as to who he/she has been imprisoned with before. Of no real value but good fun nonetheless.

P.S. You’re welcome Scotland.

The format of the show dictates that guests choose several pieces of music, one book and one luxury item.

Salmond initially tried to declare independence on the island but this was quickly vetoed by Kirsty Wark who held all the rights to the lucrative offshore oil revenues. In his own words, Salmond was ‘scunnered’.

Salmons music choices were as follows:

• ‘Nessun Dorma’ – Wee Stuart Anderson
• ‘Dewar so beautiful’ – Joe Cocker
• ‘Barbie Girl’ – Aqua
• ‘Banff Romance’ – Lady Gaga

For his book, Salmond chose his own biography ‘Against All Odds’ saying that he felt that it was the only story he could truly identify with. He also pointed out the pages were especially thin and shiny and may come in handy for ‘cleaning up’.

For his luxury item Salmond initially chose a season ticket for Tynecastle however this was rejected for being too downmarket. Salmond eventually settled for a supply of baked beans. His rationale was that it would provide a sustainable source of wind energy causing the island to prosper and the inhabitants to rise up and overthrow their colonial oppressors.

Next week Desert Island Discs will be featuring a heavyweight guest in the form of Timmy Mallet.

First Group Plc, an Aberdeen-based company who also own ‘Greyhound’ in North America is however expected to recoup this figure, given their infamously extortionate pricing structure.

Spokesperson for the firm, Archibald McMoneygrabber told us “What’s the issue here – have you not seen our prices? – I fully expect us to be back at maximum profit levels by the time I finish this sentence”.

We put it to Mr McMoneygrabber that Aberdeen residents in particular were paying ‘over the odds’ given that they had the monopoly for public transport in the city. With Aberdeen being their ‘home town’ it seemed more than a little unfair – so we were keen to get his feedback on the subject.

He responded “I don’t give a fuck”.

Tian Tian in the days before a mate was found.

An agreement has been signed to bring two giant pandas to Edinburgh Zoo, the first to live in the UK for 17 years. Tian Tian and Yangguang will be with us soon.

The project represents the culmination of five years of political and diplomatic negotiation between our two countries – most of which consisted of recipe swapping between Gordon Ramsay and Ken Hom.

To mark the occasion head zookeeper James McGilvrey and his assistant Lynne Weatherspoon are now to be known as JimmyJim and LinLin respectively. It is also rumoured that the pandas are to be revealed after a huge party where Duran Duran, Talk Talk and the Ting Tings are to perform.

We gave JimJim a ring ring and he told us “I cannae wait tae see them here in Scotland. We’re gonna give them a mixed diet of Scottish and Chinese cuisine so I’m hopin’ they like our freshly prepared deep fried bamboo”.

Sounds delicious.

First off, I would like to make an apology to our many thousands of readers out there in the blogging world (ahem – that’s pretty much you ‘qbubbles’) for the lack of content over the past few months. It’s not that we’re not funny any more (well perhaps), but we’ve just been so busy with other things. However, that is no excuse and we intend to get that comedy tap running again to get you in floods of tears (see what I did there?).

Secondly, a very happy new year to you all (with the exception of the Chinese – I may repost this on February 3^rd just for you) . I see we are about to leave the year of the ‘Tiger’ and enter the year of the ‘Rabbit’. I don’t remember seeing too many Tigers recently though and don’t we have enough friggin’ rabbits? Anyway, this is an excellent way to link in to my next post of 2011……. it looks like it may be the year of the ‘Panda’ in Scotland……..